| i've woken up and forgotten who i am |
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| 06:49pm 16/11/2008 |
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i'm going to sit here and write the things i want to say. i wish i had someone to talk to about everything, but i don't. it's better to get things out of me and try to get out of this terrible mood. this has happened so many times, that i don't want to go through it anymore. when i say "this has happened" i really mean 2 different situations. but they do happen all of the time and i should be accustomed to it all by now. no person should ever get used to these things happening so i don't feel like i'm in the wrong. i don't feel like explaining what happened on live journal, because i'm not looking for help, just something to rant to.
i never wanted to be a sinical person, but i am. it's just how things go. i'm too mean of a person to keep everything inside, so i try to turn them into jokes. most people can't hang, so they fade out. that's fine. because if someone can't return the sinicism then that person doesn't seem intelligent to me, and not useful to keep around. i'm not here to talk shit on anyone at all, i just know that i put myself in this position and now i need to deal with it.
the other situation is something that i have grown used to, even though i say i'm not. i am. it has happened so many times my entire life that it's nothing new, and it never will be. this is the reason why i don't get my hopes up, and i don't try to make things happen in my life anymore. i don't seem to be someone that anyone wants to keep around or build anything with. i think i have too many character flaws. last night when i thought that everything was going perfectly (i was able to tell him exactly what i wanted to say from the moment that he walked into my work, and he had the exact response that i was hoping to hear) they changed for the worse and i don't know how to go back from what happened. i guess i could just talk to him, because all i've ever wanted was someone to be open with and have them understand how i feel. i've never had that. i definitely don't want to be like other girls that have just given up and stopped calling. the problem is, is that i don't know what his intentions were at all and i'm so confused. i don't want to press forward too hard and i don't want to hear "i'm not really looking for anything right now." the things we talked about lead me to believe that his situation was completely the opposite and he's dealing with the same things that i am right now. so to hear those words would be the worst ever (even though i've gotten them before this time would be the big one.) i'm pretty sure i would really close off from the world even further than i already am.
nothing sucks more than being used to not getting your hopes up and not having expectations, and the significant times you let optimism win over reality be the ones that let you down. it's better to coast through life never having to deal with defeat. |
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| 07:16pm 28/05/2008 |
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i don't know what i am thinking, but i know that i don't want him to leave. |
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| 07:26pm 30/04/2008 |
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smoke sesh with my best friend. |
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| 08:17am 08/03/2008 |
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if you asked my mother questions about her daughter like,
what she likes?
who her friends are?
how she would react in certain situations?
she wouldn't be able to tell you.
she would guess, and she would be wrong.
if you went shopping with her before christmas at a clothes store,
90% of what was bought, would have to be exchanged.
but if you asked her, how is your daughter doing financially?
she would be able to tell you the exact date of the last time that i gave her $200. i can't tell you when that was.
this is the problem i have with having a mother who is an accountant with no heart or personality. |
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| tonight |
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| 03:07am 05/03/2008 |
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we dance.
for tomorrow they release the dogs.
life is pretty sweet right now, but being sick isn't making things better. |
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| 07:14am 20/01/2008 |
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i hate the cold weather.
a lot.
summer is definitely my thing.
starting to clean out and pack up my room. we have to get it ready to put the house on the market. i get new carpet and we're touching up the paint. not exactly ready to take the collage off of my wall.
it's fun to plan to decorate an apartment i don't have yet. cheetah print shower curtain with brown and red towels. cherry blossom bedroom with paper lanterns, black and pink bedding, black furniture. the kitchen is going to be complicated. i came up with a 20's idea, but that's not so easy. i guess i could just find cherry canisters and cherry hand towels. the appliances we buy can just be of that fashion like the red or baby blue ones. whatever.
i'm getting my leg tattooed today, and lafe and erin are coming. erin has been acting weird lately, and not so much as herself. oh well. i have so much going on that i don't ask her to explain, because i know why, and there's no reason for me to ask. i'm glad that lafe is back to being a significant part of my schedule, i missed that a lot. i just miss the good company and the friends. i wish i was still a little kid.
i love my job. a lot.
that is all : ] |
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| so |
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| 02:10am 28/09/2007 |
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i smoke weed.
i'm planning on starting to smoke a lot more often, in a very mature manner.
i'm moving next summer, and going to save up to get an apartment with my cousin and share a room with her for less conflict with money.
there will come a time when i smoke with her.
we will smoke together.
it will happen.
why are things so hard to accept sometimes and you just fight so hard against them?
unless she stands strong in a pledge for no drugs, i would in no way, want to break that conviction.
but if it happens, and you get mad at her for letting it happen, there will be problems.
she has enough problems with doing something she feels to be right, and getting chastised for it and making her feel like what she did was wrong. |
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| 12:22am 18/09/2007 |
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why is it so hard to find someone to have an honest conversation with?
nothing sucks more than wanting someone to talk to, and not being able to find anyone that cares to listen. i don't even have anything worth talking about, it'd be nice to have someone talk to me so i could have something to listen to also.
i miss having friends |
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| 08:38pm 02/09/2007 |
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birthday's tomorrow.
nothing exciting.
both my parents have to work, and i don't really have any friends anymore.
no work, no school.
i guess it will just be a pretty relaxing day. |
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| 11:43pm 30/08/2007 |
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Waking up zeroed in on medicine
Am I waking up at all today
Seeing lights, feeling pain
There's my cure on ice
I can walk but I will crawl there
I will crawl there |
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| 12:32am 28/08/2007 |
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so far:
my anthropology teacher is on the best seller list at apprentice hall, and could possibly be the most interesting person i have ever met.
my environmental science teacher is boring and not a very good public speaker. but michael delarosa, keishia from mr.schauer's class, and scott wintch are in that class. it shouldn't be too bad. |
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| 05:50pm 06/08/2007 |
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everyone's the same and it doesn't seem to be changing."? |
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| 12:08am 24/07/2007 |
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it sucks when people are too busy to hang out or return phone calls to simply tell someone where they are. we will come to you. we are always down to hang out. we love your company. how is that complicated at all? |
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| 10:20am 17/07/2007 |
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my life seems to be stuck in one place. |
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| 04:00pm 28/06/2007 |
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and i've been having an amazing summer! |
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| funny stuff |
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| 10:51pm 04/06/2007 |
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1. What is your full name?
Rachel Lynn Tillman
2. When is your Birthday?
september 3, 1988
3. What is a good song to download?
wow i can get sexual too - say anything
4. Do you smoke?
yes
5. Favorite movie?
interview with a vampire
6. Any summer plans?
party it up!
7. Can you cook?
when i know what i'm making... i can't just pull something out of my ass
8. What was your dream growing up?
to move back to texas and go to college there, get an apartment, blah blah blah
9. What talent do you wish you had?
i wish i could play the guitar AND sing
10. favorite team/player?
astros? i have no idea
11. Favorite vegetable?
green beans!
12. What was the last book you read?
lullaby or one of those books, i read them all in a week and lost track of the order
13. What zodiac sign are you?
virgo nigga!
14. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
septum and nipples pierced, no tattoos yet, but after the graduation money comes piling in, that will be a different story
15. Worst Habit?
sarcasm? saying mean things, or saying the wrong thing... TEXTING
16. Do we know each other outside of LiveJournal?
i got this from meagan and we had spanish together once
17. What is your favorite sport?
to play: baseball/softball, to watch: football
18. Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
optimistic... i get my hopes up all of the time
19. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
take a nap, or just sit and talk about everything
20. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
right now, let my grades slip because i didn't go to school
21. Tell me one weird fact about you:
i sit in my room naked a lot
22. Do have any pets?
a dog named lucy and a cat named mindy
23. Where do you want to live?
austin, texas... but i'll settle for houston
24. What time is it where u are now?
10:56 p.m.
25. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
i HATE clowns. hate them
26. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be???
my chubby arms... they make it hard to wear strapless shirts
27. Any sickness you have?
no i'm healthy as a horse
28. What color eyes do you have?
blue/green
29. Ever been arrested?
ha no!
30. What is your favorite drink?
coca cola or any kind of juice except for grapefruit
31. If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it?
buy a car, or put a down payment on one
32. What do you do for a living?
i'm a custom framer at jo-ann
33. What's your favorite place to hang at?
lafe's house
34. Do you believe in ghosts?
naw, but i used to... they're not real people just forget where they put things and blame it on paranormal spirits
35. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
listen to music, or take long naps
36. Do you swear a lot?
not at all. i don't think i have said one bad word in this entire survey
37. Biggest pet peeve?
people that don't finish their sentences and start doing something else while i'm still waiting. basically just people that make me wait
38. In one word, how would you describe yourself?
heather said i'm scrumditaliumptious
39.Do you believe in God?
absolutely
40. What is your favorite thing about me?
you seem really quiet and sweet and innocent, and then on livejournal you're the complete opposite hahaha
41. What is your favorite color?
red
42. What city do you live in?
las vegas
43. What is your favorite TV show?
that 70's show is the only one i can tolerate
44. Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
nope, but you're welcome to cut out my answers and put yours in! |
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| why why why why |
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| 09:35pm 25/04/2007 |
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why is it that i've finally found what i've been looking for, and it's stuck in the wrong place?
2 wrong places none-the-less. |
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| 08:36pm 15/04/2007 |
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oh my freaking god.
and when i say that, i hear nick's voice in my head.
i got told i was gorgeous and that i should be treated like a princess, and then watched him get his face kicked in by my brothers.
needless to say, brother says i'm not allowed to talk to him anymore, and i should not answer his phone calls.
i hate my life. |
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| 08:13pm 09/04/2007 |
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i might not love who i am, but i love who i am friends with!!! |
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jealous_lover's journal